chronic illness · Personal

I’m not perfect

I’ve written, rewritten and then written again this post I don’t know how many times. Maybe grab a drink because believe me, there’s a lot I want to say. I know from experience though it’ll probably come out a bunch of swearing ramblings with the point I was tryna make in the middle somewhere. I apologise in advance. However it’s all personal thoughts from the heart.

If you’ve read any of my posts here or on my ‘old blog’ www.missclx.com you’ll have noticed I tend to write exactly as I speak. So yeah, nothing I ever write is going to be the greatest piece of grammatical reading. (I bet you’re looking forward to the book already 😉 ) I’m never going to be the most perfect or most popular blogger. I’m just never going to be perfect in life.

In December 2017 I had every intention of doing blogmas. I had some great content ideas, was feeling festive and inspired… Then chronic pain took hold, like really fucking took hold. I’ve struggled for a long time with pain, but nothing and I mean NOTHING ever prepares you for the moment you contemplate throwing yourself in front of a car or straight up killing yourself two weeks before Christmas. YES I was in THAT much pain. If I got hit by a car, best case scenario I’d break both my legs, end up needing surgery and drugging up to my eyeballs. That would be enough time for the pain in my face to chill the fuck out. Worst case scenario, well we all know what that is, but hey at least I wouldn’t be in pain right? I’m used to the rollercoaster of up and down days. That day … was shit.

Here’s a little mind fuck for you… You get to a place where you feel comfortable in your skin and your body. Even if it doesn’t always work right. Then you have to start medication that causes an average weight gain of 40 pounds. You can be body happy and ill or obese and pain free, you can’t have both.. I bet you’re reading this thinking the answers obvious. To most it is, and to me it was too. Right now though I can’t help feel disgusted when in the mirror.

Charlotte this is sooooo depressing. Why are you telling us this stuff ? First of all people wanted me to write more personal posts. Second and most importantly of all as a way for me to express myself. Believe it or not that was why I started to blog in the first place….for me. Honestly I think a lot of bloggers / vloggers forget that before they turned their blogs into businesses, they were just safe little corners of the internet where you could express yourself. BE yourself…

I’m so sick of pretending to be something I’m not, whether it’s online, or in real life, all I want to be is me.

The only goal I have for 2018 is happiness. I truly hope to share my journey some of that happiness with you on here

I won’t promise you an upload schedule, because I’ll only fail and end up annoyed with myself. I really need to beat myself up less going forward. I do have some plans for a blog overhaul, new look etc as well as some cool content but I’ll keep you all in suspense.

Remember to follow so you don’t miss out !!

Love

Charlotte

xxx

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